Why am I resigned to this…

I am writing this sat here in a train doorway. I am wearing my suit, a shirt, a tie, my Berghaus Sports Jacket and my blue Sunrise Quickie HP Q2. I wear a wheelchair, for it too is my Monday best, my Saturday rest clothing.

Its a part of who I am, like it or not, people know I when they meet me – its less discrete than a badge that says “Ask me what the incident was” (See another blog post).

I am comfortable in my chair. It can sometimes get a little too hot. Sometimes its just too big, length wise. But its always been just right for me – capable of going fast and rolling silently,, looking smart, being durable… I love the way I can steer it with my toes on the front wheels.

I got married in this chair, had my first dance with MBW, held all my children for the first time – the depth of how often this fauteuil roulant is embedded into our lives.

But change is afoot. It is getting heavy. It is getting old. I am not getting any stronger.

I need a new chair. It hurts to realise that. I need a chair to carry me through the next 5 years. I need a new suit, a new sporty pair of trousers, a new set of jeans…

Its a change equivalent to that of glasses style, a new type of shoe… Should I go more sporty? Should I go bold in my colour choice? What do I need? Its a big decision step, to go from something that I have turned into a part of me, and switch to an alien concept. I feel excited by the idea but also nervous – what if I hate it, what if I can’t handle it, what if, what if, what bloody if – to the point of “how will I manage if I don’t change”… What will I do in the future? But also what will MBW, Monkey, Nuzzle and Scratch make of this? MBW will have to push me, lift the chair into the car, the girls will want to ride on my knee… This will impact them, too.

Its a massive dilemma and the obvious outcome is new chair but how it will be in comparison to this one? I really don’t know. Its just scary, that’s all. Change always is and I know I have to hit it head on with the right mind set. Because if I don’t, the only person I will really do a disservice to is myself.

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